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LES MISERABLES?

Eu

x

• HIGH GEAR

JANUARY 1977

R. H.

by Leon Stevens

The person who said that it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown must have had lockjaw during one of his sillier moments. The truth of the matter is that smiling is a special facial event requiring involuntary stimulation or rigorous, deliberate flexing, as Johnny Carson's muscular upper cheeks clearly bear out.

I'm annoyed by self-made Francises of Assissi who tour the bar and enjoin their peers to become walking smile buttons with hokey admonitions like, "Youre much more active when you smile," "Things can't be all that bad," "Cheer up," etc.

thrill of such competition through personal investment. Cruising exacts an enormous personal investment which cannot entirely be measured in cash. In short, we bet a week's sexual fulfillment on the results of a protracted weekend cruisecontest.

Recently, at a local disco, a man approached me and said, "Are you Leon Stevens?"

"Yes," I returned.

"Why, you look miserable. I thought you were on top of everything."

Clearly, this was someone who regularly read my cruise-xelated articies and thought me to be some sort of guru on cruising. I am neither a masterswinger nor am I miserable; but not always

Five hours of intensive I may be cruising makes smiling a signjolly. ificant physical and psychoExpert cruising is a sport relogical indulgence. Non-smiling quiring almost computerized is no more an indication of precision, virtually agricultural misery than the absence of stop self-cultivation and a surprising signs means "don't stand still." degree of scholarship. As I have Cruising is hard work, and it is mentioned in past articles, a much like selling cars or expenmere 10% of the given bar sive merchandise. It requires as crowd is the target of everymuch as five or six hours on Fribody's sexual longing. This is day, Saturday, and if one is because only 10% of a specified systematic or professional, Wedcrowd is considered "attractnesdays and Sundays. In other ive," that is, it is male (if you are words, it is a part-time job. If male), Aryan (white), young, housewives ever receive sal-athletic, blemishless, squarearies for their toil, serious jawed and has noses and ears of cruisers should be similarly moderate size. compensated.

The reason people wager sums of money on the results of athletic contests, horse races and the like is to accelerate the

These criteria have been impressed upon us by Western adventure heroes, Marlboro ads, Gentleman's Quarterly and our own parents who occasionally

remarked of someone or other, | "That's a fine looking boy." This cultural brainwashing has restricted our sexual appetite to a rationed margin.

Of this 10%, the graduate male cruiser can depend on less than 2% for a return of his investment. This is because 5% of the "attractive" 10% consists of immature, irresponsible or in some other way irreconcilably offensive turkeys. Of the remaining 5%, 3% is monogamously "married." Of the remaining 2%, 1% is looking for an exclusive lover.

Of the

final 1%, 1/2% is "supposed to be meeting someone," is "feeling out of it," is at the bar to socialize and/or research, is a "straight" tourist, an ambitious vice squad officer, has VD (and

is honest enough to admit it), or is in some other way predisposed or distracted. The final 1/2% is composed of individuals with open relationships, cruisers for fun and sport, and happy-golucky swingers.

Successful cruising depends on deft, spur-of-the-moment decisions as well as enterprising long-shots. Not long ago, while fishing for top-grade tuna in deep, barren waters, I wasted three prime time hours engaging in flirtatious eye contact with a heroic lumber. jack who, enjoying the flattery, returned my graces generously. In a swift and decisive parry, he introduced himself, identified his lover, thanked me for my in. dulgence and left me scoreless.

If you think I'm going to engage in a heavy rap about being honest, you're much mistaken. The already cliched maxim, "all is fair in love and war" is not always applicable to mature cruising, but it is here. Every cruiser, without exception, has kept multiple pokers glowing as buffers against a failing top prize.

Among the Plains Indians it was customary for warriors to carry a "coup-stick". This stick was used to touch an enemy warrior without injuring him. To do so and come away alive was held in high esteem and perceived as more honorable and courageous than killing a man. In the cruise scene, monopolizing an ambitious, "goodlooking" peer cruiser and then ceremoniously leaving him cold❘ is as emotionally rewarding as scoring a worthwhile trick (provided one always has another score lined up).

Anyone's sexual attention span is limited which is why most monogamous relationships (unregulated by law), are shortlived. Unfortunately, it requires countiess such "marriages" for most culturally intimidated monogamists to realize this. This puts the well-adjusted promiscuist at a severe disadvantage. Competition for a new body is keen. Even in a relatively large city like Cleveland, a new figure in a huge bar triggers a complex network of maneuvers and altered priorities as various cruise niches are re-opened and

juxtaposed in a slow but predictable chain reaction.

It's too bad that Madison Avenue and our sexist society confines the cruisable percentile to a precious minimum. What fun would bowling be if one only scored a strike once every two weeks? And if one only scored a strike once every two weeks after bowling for six straight hours in the middle of the night for 2-6 nights, he could hardly be expected to smile like a set of retired false teeth.

Whether one is familar with the science of cruising or not, the mathematical odds against one's "winning" honorably on every shot are overwhelming. Consequently, even the handsomest, wittiest, most brilliant "hunk" is in for frequent disappointments.

Every fairy tale ends with "happily ever after" instead of starting with it because happiness is a goal, not a con. dition. Any story that ever began happily and was so ever after surely perished of chronic boredom. Dissatisfaction (disappointment) is the leading propellant for change. If happiness were a universal constant, we'd all be an assortment of giggling amoebas.